Grace

Standing firm--the winds of transition are bowing.

Currently Listening Nothing Left to Lose By Mat Kearney see related

A New Thing Enters...

"Were it possible for us to see further than our knowledge reaches, and yet a little way beyond the outworks of our divining, perhaps we would endure our sadnesses with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent...I believe that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension that we find paralyzing because we no longer hear our surprised feelings living. Because we are alone with the alien thing that has entered into our self; because everything intimate and accustomed is for an instant taken away; because we stand in the middle of a transition where we cannot remain standing. For this reason sadness too passes: the new thing in us, the added thing, has entered into our heart, has gone into its inmost chamber and is not even there any more,--is already in our blood."            Rainer Maria Rilke

I feel like the looming sadness in my heart is fading away. Almost like the time of Enduring is being slain mercilessly by the time of Enjoying. I feel its battle with in my heart and as they war I feel passion bleed back into my veins. There must have been something New in Abraham's heart as he returned from the mountain with his son Isaac. He laid the promises of God on an altar and just before the final blow God spoke a renewed promise over him. In that moment Abraham lost nothing but his own selfishness and pride but he gained an outpouring of God's original dream for his life. As my dreams have been near death inside of me, I feel God gentle voice saying "Don't destroy what is left inside of you. Don't give up on yourself. You have been removed from it and now what is left in you is as small as a seed. Plant it and let it grow, care for it and someday soon you will eat its fruits."  

What I love about my  sad times is that somehow the sheer violation of that sadness against what I think makes me happy sets me free--mostly free from what I have grown to be comfortable in-or a way of living that I have grown to accept as "good enough" or "normal". Truthfully, in my own experience, the places that are comfortable in my heart are a breeding ground of selfishness. In them, there is nothing to risk and nothing to lose. When I am not challenged or bruised I simply start developing thoughts like :"I have arrived" or " my lessons have already been learned", "I don't need to change."  It is quite disgusting to admit those thoughts can linger inside of me but peace comes in the knowledge that God is committed to me not sitting in those places for ever. He asks for a sacrifice, he provides the strength and the means to carry it through in my heart and then blesses me and sets me free in the process. I love God. Yes I do.

I bet Abraham never looked at Isaac the same way. He must have begun to notice all that laid inside of his son...all the gifts and the talents, all of the quirks and precious little things about his personality...and it must have been clear just how much of the future of the world rested on Isaac's ignorant little shoulders. I bet the experience renewed him to be a better parent and a better carrier of the blessings of God. I hope that as Enjoyment fills my system again with passion that I see what lies inside of me with more clarity. I want to know its weight and its potential. I want to appreciate it so much that I would fight to let nothing taint or hinder its development--not even me and my own selfishness.

Thunderstorm

Hello to all of you beautiful people. It has been a great while since I have updated this thing. I could hardly remember my password when I tried to log into my account. Now that is sad.

I am currently in the college adventure. I find it....dry. I think it is so funny how I was excited and my whole world once upon a time revolved around the thought of sitting in a desk and turning in homework. How great to measure the "success" of my brain by A's B's or God forbid the occasional C. I was pulling all A's at one point in time, but then I hit Factoring. Math is my weakness--you can;t feel through it and process it, interpret it and be creative with it. It is what it is: a bunch of rules and numbers which give only one answer. If I get the concept right and the answer wrong, then it is completely wrong. And that is why I am pulling a B now in Math. It is funny to say that a B makes me feel bad about myself. How ridiculous. But school is so...shallow. It is full of knowledge, but there is no depth. What good is an A on a test if I can use it in my life? I have loved feeling my brain throb and my muscles grow as I am learning, but school is so dry. This means a whole lot more to me now that I am paying for it independently. I long for late mornings curled up with books that like to read. I am excited for school to be over with. A very wise friend of mine encouraged me in my process by saying that school is designed to help us figure out what we want to be. I didn't have to enter school with complete understanding of what I wanted from it---what a relief. I have pressured myself a lot in this last semester work, to do homework and to study. But what I crave is stillness and relationships.  I will let go of my notion that I need to get all A's and grab hold of the necessity to survive in my soul. I need to reorganize my life and take some time to prioritize what I really want and need.

I will be adventuring in the music world this semester. The people that know me well know that this will be a huge challenge. Worship music and writing music are two totally different categories. The latter requires so much more energy and time as well as more insecurities for me to push through. This makes it exhausting. Yet I want to try it. I don't want to move on and dismiss this thing that has been in my heart for years but sabotaged from many different angles. Nope. Not me. I have tried to do the reasonable thing: go to college and call it a business major. And I have found it empty. It just doesn't mean as much anymore. But I want to go inside of myself and see what is taking root in my heart. I don't want to ignore my hunches and my longings so that my life fits into a little box that I wrongly label "normal life." What is normal anyways? Normal should be me walking in confidence in the favor God as he leads me by the hand through the chaotic waters of this world will showing me the depths of the desires of my heart.

Two weeks ago God reminded me of the parable in the field. I want to dig up the treasure buried down in the field. I am not talking music--that is not my treasure. But my relationship with God is the treasure inside of the field. Music is the tool I use to dig God up from the depths of the field. Music is not the end for me---God is the end and music is the means. What a beautiful reminder to me of what is really important. It is like a new wave for me to ride. I want to find more of God in this process. There will be "ney sayers" on every side and I am ready for that. But I don't want to live my life ashamed of myself because some people think this, or what if they think that, or wondering if my desires are real or wrong. I am just choosing to believe that I know God, and he will tell me as I go and I hope that his voice is louder than all the rest so that my internal compass points in the direction that his voices is coming from.

Pray for me in this season. Pray that I am protected. Pray that I find him in that field. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry it has been so long:

Stephanie

Here are the lyrics to my new song:

Wrestle me to nothingness, and bring me back again
Because this something that I have become would be better off if it were dead

The treasure may be found, buried deep inside of that old field
Grow up, own up and stare in the face the very thing I never want to yield
Churning Burning song inside, the deepest parts of me
Sing Aloud as the walls fall down and I dig up all that I'm supposed to be

Sweetness roll in and make friends with the tears that are falling down my face
Bittersweet thunderstorm creep up on my back and I can hear you calling my name
Let it come, let it pour, let it roll over all that remains
Because there's a new thing found in this rain (2)

I lay it down in willingness, that I may find life
When you're the only one I can trust, there's beauty in the sacrifice
Spread my wings and I make my faith my own and stand up on these feet
Sing aloud as the rain falls down and I step into all I'm supposed to be

You make something out of nothing so have your way with me.

Thunderstorm

Hello to all of you beautiful people. It has been a great while since I have updated this thing. I could hardly remember my password when I tried to log into my account. Now that is sad.

I am currently in the college adventure. I find it....dry. I think it is so funny how I was excited and my whole world once upon a time revolved around the thought of sitting in a desk and turning in homework. How great to measure the "success" of my brain by A's B's or God forbid the occasional C. I was pulling all A's at one point in time, but then I hit Factoring. Math is my weakness--you can;t feel through it and process it, interpret it and be creative with it. It is what it is: a bunch of rules and numbers which give only one answer. If I get the concept right and the answer wrong, then it is completely wrong. And that is why I am pulling a B now in Math. It is funny to say that a B makes me feel bad about myself. How ridiculous. But school is so...shallow. It is full of knowledge, but there is no depth. What good is an A on a test if I can use it in my life? I have loved feeling my brain throb and my muscles grow as I am learning, but school is so dry. This means a whole lot more to me now that I am paying for it independently. I long for late mornings curled up with books that like to read. I am excited for school to be over with. A very wise friend of mine encouraged me in my process by saying that school is designed to help us figure out what we want to be. I didn't have to enter school with complete understanding of what I wanted from it---what a relief. I have pressured myself a lot in this last semester work, to do homework and to study. But what I crave is stillness and relationships.  I will let go of my notion that I need to get all A's and grab hold of the necessity to survive in my soul. I need to reorganize my life and take some time to prioritize what I really want and need.

I will be adventuring in the music world this semester. The people that know me well know that this will be a huge challenge. Worship music and writing music are two totally different categories. The latter requires so much more energy and time as well as more insecurities for me to push through. This makes it exhausting. Yet I want to try it. I don't want to move on and dismiss this thing that has been in my heart for years but sabotaged from many different angles. Nope. Not me. I have tried to do the reasonable thing: go to college and call it a business major. And I have found it empty. It just doesn't mean as much anymore. But I want to go inside of myself and see what is taking root in my heart. I don't want to ignore my hunches and my longings so that my life fits into a little box that I wrongly label "normal life." What is normal anyways? Normal should be me walking in confidence in the favor God as he leads me by the hand through the chaotic waters of this world will showing me the depths of the desires of my heart.

Two weeks ago God reminded me of the parable in the field. I want to dig up the treasure buried down in the field. I am not talking music--that is not my treasure. But my relationship with God is the treasure inside of the field. Music is the tool I use to dig God up from the depths of the field. Music is not the end for me---God is the end and music is the means. What a beautiful reminder to me of what is really important. It is like a new wave for me to ride. I want to find more of God in this process. There will be "ney sayers" on every side and I am ready for that. But I don't want to live my life ashamed of myself because some people think this, or what if they think that, or wondering if my desires are real or wrong. I am just choosing to believe that I know God, and he will tell me as I go and I hope that his voice is louder than all the rest so that my internal compass points in the direction that his voices is coming from.

Pray for me in this season. Pray that I am protected. Pray that I find him in that field. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry it has been so long:

Stephanie

Here are the lyrics to my new song:

Wrestle me to nothingness, and bring me back again
Because this something that I have become would be better off if it were dead

The treasure may be found, buried deep inside of that old field
Grow up, own up and stare in the face the very thing I never want to yield
Churning Burning song inside, the deepest parts of me
Sing Aloud as the walls fall down and I dig up all that I'm supposed to be

Sweetness roll in and make friends with the tears that are falling down my face
Bittersweet thunderstorm creep up on my back and I can hear you calling my name
Let it come, let it pour, let it roll over all that remains
Because there's a new thing found in this rain (2)

I lay it down in willingness, that I may find life
When you're the only one I can trust, there's beauty in the sacrifice
Spread my wings and I make my faith my own and stand up on these feet
Sing aloud as the rain falls down and I step into all I'm supposed to be

You make something out of nothing so have your way with me.